somethin to write home about

Mother and father, I know you know i'm having a good time
i'm sleeping so little but i'm living the good life
no need to worry got a place to lay my head down no need to worry i got a place to sleep.

2020

Sungguh tahun ini berat dan gatau kenapa banyak sekali permasalahan yang sangat tidak bisa di selesaikan.

gatau

butuh pekerjaan dan tempat tinggal baru, untuk saat ini :)

Drips

This place is full of my belongings..

But I don't feel like home

The blanket is tidy, the mattress is big enough for two..

But i'm cold and left alone

The car keys are at the top of the drawer of your make up and fake eye lashes shelf, they just lay there still silently judging me as i come undone.. Getting ready for my late night bath.. I'm sitting here like a sponge letting everything soaks.. Listening to the water flows through the shower..

I wish it was the smell of petrichor instead.. I'm sure it wasn't.. It was more like a dried tears hidden somewhere beneath some ingrown hairs....

As i said to myself.. Marriage is hard, marriage is hard.. It was still my choice to make.. And submitting myself with idea of not feeling lonely anymore.. On tv nights and whatnots.. It was still the best decision i've made.. Even if it kills me

But afterall, my journey was never easy and i made it through so far.. Though bones break, and sweat sweats, and laughter slowly fades..

And then i saw him.. And he was me, only older and wise.. He was me, only thinner and less bitter..

The ghost in front of me smirks..

The ghost of me.. The future me..

He said, "this too shall pass, i won't tell you how the story goes, but worry not, things are always hard and this time is not easy, but the lesson you'll take in the end pays all the debt of your recent sorrow and you'll step forth.."

It gets bitter and cold..

But if growing up is getting old, and being older is better, then i'll get better after..

Nothing changes except everything

And i will always love you, just the same.

The Reason I Like Why Star Wars

George Lucas' Star Wars epic space opera franchise could be the highlight of me growing up as a kid.
Why do I like the movies so much? well, I grew up watching the movies, literally.
I didn't get to hang a lot with my big brother without being bullied, he's 5 years older and that dude could be a pain in the ass sometimes. But I really looked up to him, I think he's a cool bro with cool friends I'd die to hung out with. But apparently, his friends don't have the same interest in Star Wars like we were.
So.. Why did we like it in the first place?
Well, our dad was a super busy father, you see. 
But we have this laserdisc player (also betacam & VHS) that we occasionally used to watch movies our Dad rent/bought.
If it wasn't because Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Back To The Future, we wouldn't get to hang that often and talk about the same thing we all grew fond of in our living room. It kinda made our living room, alive.
After years and hundreds of great movies we watched together, Star Wars is (are) still the one we talks about.

So, I thank George Lucas for that.
May the force be with you.

"Have you ever though about leaving?"

Earlier today, I asked that question to several people I know, a question about how much more you can bear this city, the city that we grew up, that some of us call home, some of us just stuck here and struggle to survive. Me, I wasn't born here, but I grew up here. 

Fuck the traffic, fuckin' love the city.

Yes, the traffic is unbearable, I do admit that I contribute to the traffic by driving my own car here and there, but hey, where i'm going, it will take me more effort to take public transportation, plus, I pay my taxes so I deserve better infrastructure, ain't gonna ride crappy Metro Mini or Kopaja where in the past I lost my wallet and got robbed several times. So yeah. Plus I need everything in my baggage.

So, back to the question.

"I never thought about actually leaving, because everywhere I go, I always have this feeling of missing home. When I was away, I missed a lot of things that I left behind, and I was really looking forward to go back to those things I had in mind. So I thought, Jakarta was it, I knew because I've been to other places but Jakarta was always on the back of my mind.

But then I went back and things weren't the same."

I got that from a friend. 

In some way, I love it enough to tolerate, that's why I stay and still hope that things will get better, it's like a relationship with this city, you get hurt sometimes, and I think i'm still here hoping to regain what i've lost, in vain.

Nevertheless, I'm not lucky enough to have parents that will throw me money to spend to start a new life abroad, I mean i had that chance, studying abroad, but threw it away for some girls in the past. My parents pampered me well though, they raised me well to always feel enough. Some people I know have the capability to decide and just go because they were born rich. (You thought i was going to say "but i'm stuck here in this hell hole" right? no I wasn't gonna say that) I still have mouths to feed, projects to finish, people that I care, my family, and most of all, MY CATS.

But my children deserve a better environment to grow up. They need better education, better infrastructure, and I will make efforts for that to happen. I'm not gonna force anything though, but keep this in mind, it will actually cost more to live here with the same field of work, why? You're gonna need to buy a car, a house that you can afford probably located at the edge of the town, which leads to more stress due to traffic, and good education is expensive unless you're smart as fuck and get scholarship. Boom. 

In the mean time, I'm here for this city, and everywhere I go, any place that I will end up at, I will always be that "awesome Indonesian guy Dochi" and home isn't just here, a city, a country, earth is home. And i'm keen to explore.

I hope we will have a good leader for this country, get rid of corruption, build proper infrastructure, fix the economy. Looking forward for future election. Really.

In conclusion, do i really think about leaving? well, to put it in good words, my heart will always be here.

Pheromones

Lyric & Song by Dochi Sadega

i'll tell you how good it would feel
if i close my eyes to see you're so close to me
and everytime i need you, you're standing next to me
when the day is over we went back
to the lives we used to live
i'm with her and you're with him
so far away

wasn't a long time ago
we used to laugh together
and i told you how i felt
now i miss you so
today i'll never forget
and i will never regret
oh can we do this again
tomorrow?

i'll tell you how bad it would feel
when you're gone
i'm singing up the song we used to sing
with every breathe i take
the line i'm remembering